Paper Luigi

"So let me get this straight..." Waluigi rested his chin upon his folded hands. "You claim to be Luigi, who is in Smash, but at the same time you're not Luigi, so you want me to believe that you count as a character not in Smash?"

"Yes, exactly!" Paper Luigi responded. The flat green plumber irritated Waluigi almost as much as his three-dimensional counterpart. Though the papery guest had done little to offend him thus far, Waluigi immediately and instinctually disliked him.

"Yeah, that doesn't make an ounce of sense. Ounce being a measurement of weight, which I'm not sure is really a concept in whatever flat, two-dimensional plane of existence you come from."

Paper Luigi waggled one of his paper-thin arms. "I appreciate the patronizing tone. Now, allow me to reciprocate with a little lesson of my own."

Waluigi took a quick sip of his coffee. "Feel free."

Paper Luigi hopped to his feet. "It's really quite simple. In an industry where Doctor Mario and Mario are different people AND where Toon Link, Young Link, and Link are all different people, it goes without saying that Luigi and Paper Luigi are also different people." He flipped 180 degrees in an attempt to face Waluigi directly. "Forgive the appeal to ethos, but as a fellow overshadowed younger sibling, I'm asking that you throw me a bone here and give this an honest look."

Waluigi bit a fingernail. "Hmm. Well, let's get a second opinion on this."

Unfortunately, there was only one other person around to help.


Wario picked at his mustache. For some reason, when he had entered the room earlier, he insisted that he was actually a shinier, metallic version of himself. Whatever that meant. He then proceeded to pretend throwing around coins eight times.

"Okay, bro, lemme make sure I have a full grasp of the situation."

Wario let his legs dangle freely from the stool he occupied. He had just listened to Paper Luigi plead his case as a legitimate candidate for Big Bash Siblings.

He began his recap. "So, your claim is that, while you may occupy the same functional role as Mario's bro Luigi within your particular universe, you are a distinct entity from that same bro. Bro referring, of course, to the bro of Mario, Luigi, in our 3D universe. In other words, while your bro is Mario, you are actually the bro of Paper Mario. And so you are not the bro of 3D Mario."

Paper Luigi assented with a nod. "For the umpteenth time, that is precisely my argument."

Waluigi rapped on the table. "Good. Now do you see how ridiculous this all is?"

Wario thoughtfully picked at the side of his mustache. "Hmm, I dunno, bro. Makes sense to me."

Waluigi would've spit out his coffee if it didn't taste so good. "What?!"

"It's perfectly logical, bro."

"Logical? Explain this so-called logic to me, brother. This man is the same as Luigi!"

Wario snorted. "Luigi, bro? I know not this Luigi you speak of. Please stop using non-rigid designators, bro, because that's pretty cringe."

Waluigi was appalled by this insolence. Almost as appalled as he was during the tomfoolery of the 2008 housing crisis. The thought of all that subprime lending was really boiling his blood. At least he didn't have to file for an insanely large Chapter 11 bankruptcy! Wait, he shouldn't be thinking about this stuff and focus on the matter at hand.

Waluigi went for another sip of coffee, even though his cup had been empty for a while now. "You know just as well as I do that Luigi will always be Luigi." His eyes shifted towards the paper man in green. "As if we needed him to get any thinner, too."

Wario lazily scratched the back of his head and popped up from his stool. "That's pretty reductive, bro. And honestly disappointing. I thought you were making this game for people like him."

Waluigi opened his mouth, but couldn't seem to find the right words to say. "I..."

But Wario had already left.

Paper Luigi's arms were crossed and he tapped his foot impatiently. "Well, if you refuse to budge, I'll show myself out."

Waluigi sighed. "No, stay where you are. Let's talk." Sometimes, doing the right thing bites.