Well, this isn't great.

Waluigi adjusted his face mask anxiously. He was sitting across the dining table from the latest applicant, who bobbed up and down in the air whilst spewing toxic fumes everywhere. The last time it smelled this bad, Wario had mistaken the habanero sauce for ketchup.

"Weezing Weezing..." said Weezing.

They were at an impasse. It didn't dawn on him until his guest arrived that Waluigi would need to be able to speak Pokemon. Or whatever this guy spoke. Guy? Guys? Waluigi wasn't really sure if each of the faces had its own brain or if the second, smaller face was just some kind of strange tumor. Either way, this situation could not be healthy.

"How's it hangin', bro?"

Wario emerged from his living quarters (a degenerate mancave he branded as the "Wario Zone") and popped into the kitchen. For some reason, as he entered the kitchen, he pretended that he was riding some kind of vehicle pulled by an imaginary Chain Chomp he was barking orders to. He tugged on his imaginary Chain Chomp four times before hopping off his invisible ride.

"Hey, what's that gnarly smell? D'you eat all the beans this morning, bro?"

Wario waltzed over to the dining area and came to a halt when he noticed the guest.

"Hey, it's a Weezing!"

Waluigi pinched his forehead. "Your observational prowess never ceases to amaze me."

Wario nonchalantly approached the table, seemingly unfazed by the foul odor. "What's good, my environmentally hazardous bro?"

"Weezing Weezing Weezing..."

Wario made a clicking sound with his tongue. "I'm sorry to hear that, bro. For sure. The economy has seen better days."

Waluigi felt his jaw drop. "Brother, you can understand it? Er, them?"

Wario shrugged. "Yeah, bro. I have to work with Pokemon all the time. I'm in Super Smash, ever heard of it?"

Waluigi mentally performed a quick cost-benefit analysis. He let out a deep sigh. "As much as I'd hate to admit it - and trust me, I really hate it - I could use your help. I'm gonna need a translator if I'm going to work with this applicant."

Wario's face began to contort into a hideous smirk. "Oh, you need my help, bro? Waaahaha! How the tables have turned, mon frere." He brushed off a stray booger dangling from his nose. "That's French for bro, bro."

Waluigi's eyes could not roll back far enough. "Just shut up and translate."

Waluigi reset himself mentally. He tried to think of happy thoughts. He thought about the night he went to the opera and a day he spent at the races. He thought about that one joke about how someone shot an elephant in their pajamas. Maybe he needed to eat some animal crackers.

"So, Weezing. Before we discuss my new project, please tell me a bit about yourself."

"Weezing Weezing..."

Wario nodded, twiddling his pudgy thumbs.

Waluigi cleared his throat. "Translation, please?"

Wario jolted up in his seat. "Oh, right. My bad, bro." Wario paused. "He says, 'Every fleeting moment of my existence is one of agony and despair. Long gone are the salad days when I was but a simple, single-bodied Koffing. If all time is eternally present, all time is unredeemable.' Or something."

"...Did he really say all that?"

"More or less." Wario sniffled. "That hits deep."

"Weezing Weezing..."

Wario continued. "Right. For most Pokemon, evolution is a blessing. It marks an ascendance to a greater, more dignified state of being. Not so for the Koffing. For the Koffing, evolution is mutilation. A march to one's destruction. There is no crueler destiny than the Koffing evolutionary line. And to boot, my kind was regularly abused and humiliated in the animated series. Plus, they mutated my Galarian brethren to be shaped like bongs."


Wario paused for a moment, deep in thought, before throwing in his own two cents. "At least your Galarian bro has a cool hat, bro."

Waluigi was mulling over how to proceed. "I wasn't planning on letting this guy into my game..." His pupils moved from the empty table to the wretched Pokemon. "But am I really going to pile one more problem onto this guy's plate?" Waluigi cursed his own conscience.

Waluigi knocked on the table. To hell with it. "You know, Weezing, Big Bash Siblings could really use a new challenger with your talents. If you're ready and willing, we'd love to have you aboard as our first Pokemon representative."

"Weezing Weezing..."

Wario continued. "I would shake your hand had nature been kind enough to let me evolve actual useful body parts instead of this sentient, eldritch tumor that looks like me and brings me immeasurable pain."

Waluigi nodded solemnly. "Well, it's the thought that counts."